Alucard, Seras, and a Stolen Telephone
by GodOfTheWired
Summary: Alucard teachs his pupil one of many vampiric lessons... trickery! The real third chapter is now up.. and this one has a musical interlude.
1. Default Chapter

Alucard, Seras, and a Stolen Telephone  
By: GodOfTheWired  
  
Author's Notes: Well I haven't written a Hellsing fanfic yet, so I figured it was about time that I did. This is a little idea that sprung into my head during the worldwide joy known as British Lit.  
  
Seras Victoria looked around the small room belonging to her master Alucard. She glanced around, noting the lack of decorations aside from a table, a coffin and what she guessed was a phone line. She sat down on the coffin, nervously twiddling her thumbs and wondering why exactly master had called her into his room. Usually he would just appear in her room when he wanted something so she had logically thought it a little odd. Her mind began to drift towards reasons why, eventually reaching the thought of... relations.  
  
'Oh god.. what if that's why master called me down here? I don't know if I'm ready to take that kind of step!! I just woke up too! My hair must be a mess!'  
  
Seras began to straighten out her hair, which was considerably difficult without a mirror. She sighed after a moment, trying to relax in the room pushing those thoughts out of her head. The room suddenly seemed to drop a couple of degrees. She shivered, then jumped when someone touched her shoulder.  
  
"Police girl..."  
  
"EEP!"  
  
Seras leapt off the coffin and towards the door when Alucard phased in through the side of the wall. He laughed as he set something down on the table, then proceeded to phone line plugged into his wall. Seras managed to get her no-longer-beating heart to stop fluttering before speaking.  
  
"M-master.. why did you call me down here?.. and what's that?"  
  
Seras looked at the table, raising an eyebrow quizzically at the telephone resting on the wood surface. Alucard grinned as he plugged the phone line into the phone.  
  
"I wanted to let you in on the next stage of your vampirism, police girl.. trickery."  
  
"Trickery?... Master you can't mean..."  
  
"That's right police girl! Prank phone calls!"  
  
Seras sweatdropped as her master laughed with glee. A sudden question popped into her head though as Alucard set the phone on the ground so that they could sit.  
  
"Master.. where'd you get that phone?"  
  
~~~  
  
Meanwhile, in Integra's room...  
  
Integra Hellsing had just finished the last report concerning the most recent FREAK attack. She was pleased that she had gotten them all done so quickly and she congratulated herself with another fine cigar. She inhaled the smoke deeply before reaching for her phone to call for someone to pick up the papers, only to find her phone missing. Integra growled at the missing phone, setting her cigar down as she searched around her desk for the aforementioned phone. She slammed her palm onto the table after a short while, realizing what the problem was.  
  
"Alucard!!!"  
  
~~~  
  
"Master.. did you just hear something?"  
  
"Probably a car backfiring.. go ahead police girl. You can start us off. There's a list of numbers by the phone. Begin."  
  
"Umm.. right Master.."  
  
Seras sighed before holding up the receiver to her ear and dialing the first number. It rang twice before an old voice seemed to pick up.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
Seras covered the phone for a moment before turning to her master.  
  
"It's commander Ferguson!"  
  
"Well hurry it up, police girl!"  
  
"Oh right.."  
  
Seras uncovered the phone before continuing her practice call. She had honestly never done this before, but she felt Alucard didn't need to know.  
  
~~~  
  
Ferguson looked at the phone quizzically for a moment before the voice returned.  
  
"Umm.. is your refrigerator running?"  
  
Suddenly a second voice came up in the background.  
  
"That's just terrible, police girl.."  
  
"Well I'm trying Master!"  
  
A sweatdrop ran down Ferguson's head as he listened in.  
  
"Is that you Victoria?"  
  
"EEP!"  
  
~~~  
  
Seras slammed the phone back down before getting up to leave.  
  
"I'm sorry master but this is just sill.."  
  
Alucard caught the girl by the arm and forced her to sit down. He picked up the phone and held it up to his ear.  
  
"Watch and learn, police girl.."  
  
~~~  
  
Walter reclined back in his chair as he looked at his clean desk. His room was small, but he kept it clean so it often seemed bigger than everyone else's. The phone on his desk began to ring, startling the man into falling over. He scrambled to his feet and picked up the phone.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Neo, I need to speak with you.. about the Matrix."  
  
"..Pardon me?"  
  
"This is but a dream Neo.. you need to wake up from it."  
  
"Who is this?"  
  
"My name is Morpheus, but I don't have time for this. The Agents are probably monitoring this phone call. Go out to the gates of your manor. We will pick you up there."  
  
With that the line went dead. Walter looked at the phone for a moment before setting it down and putting on his coat. He wasn't quite sure what this Matrix was but he was set to find out. After all, Integra-sama might need to know about this.  
  
~~~  
  
Alucard continued to laugh until he fell onto his back and he cried from the pain. Seras merely watched in confusion at her master's jubilation, but she had to admit it was kind of funny. She allowed herself a small giggle, which soon evolved into full on laughter. She held her sides from the pain as she laughed alongside her master, who soon recovered from his joy.  
  
"Well police girl.. who should we call next?"  
  
~~~  
  
Author's Notes: Well that's that for the first chapter. Whomever from Hellsing you want me to have Alucard and Seras call next, let me know in review. For now though, I'm leaning towards calling Iscariot next... 


	2. Chapter 2: The Voice of God or somethin...

Alucard, Seras, and a Stolen Telephone  
  
Author's Notes: I had a feeling that the majority would say Iscariot! ^_^ In any case I'd like to thank all my reviewers and say I'm sorry if I put this off for a while. I took all the suggestions in the reviews under consideration and I'm thinking them all through in my disturbed little head. Be sure to keep telling me what you want to see next though! Ja ne!  
  
Chapter 2: The Voice of God.. or something close to that effect...  
  
Alucard continued cackling like a madman as Seras sweat-dropped. She had known her master was a little bit on the deranged side.. but this was just weird.  
  
"Police girl! Who should we call next?"  
  
"I.. I don't know Master.. I don't know any other phone numbers really."  
  
"Hmm... I can solve this problem. Give me a moment, police girl. I should be back in a moment."  
  
With that the No-Life-King sank into the ground, still chuckling to himself. Once certain her master had left, Seras stepped out of her master's room and began walking back to her room. Hopefully seeing her no longer there would stop this insanity.  
  
~~~  
  
Integra Hellsing took a long drag from her cigar as she leaned back in her chair. She had called Walter up and had him bring a new phone for her, which he gladly obliged to, but then he stated he would be going out and that he might not be back for a while. Integra merely let her friend go; after all she wasn't his keeper. Finally she could call in these reports and get some much-needed rest. She opened her bottom drawer and reached in to find her address book, only to discover that it too was now gone. She bit clear through her cigar, growling fiercely as she stood up and stormed out of her room. She pulled her gun from her jacket as she headed to the basement of Hellsing, where Alucard had surely taken her address book.  
  
~~~  
  
Alucard reappeared into his room, Integra's address book in her hand as he grinned madly. He looked around, discovering that the police girl had left. He smirked as he phased out of existence for a moment, only to reappear a moment later with a kicking Seras under his arm.  
  
"Master! Put me down!"  
  
"Calm down, police girl! We're just going to have a bit of fun! It won't hurt anybody!"  
  
He plopped the undead girl into a chair and laughed as he began to flip through the address book.  
  
"Doesn't that belong to Sir Integra?! She'll be so upset to find you looking through her things, master!"  
  
"Don't worry yourself over it, police girl. I've gone through more of her things than this!"  
  
Alucard laughed as Seras pondered what exactly he meant by that. Alucard took his hat off his head and placed it onto Seras' head as he found the number he was searching for.  
  
"Here we go, police girl! This will do perfectly!"  
  
Seras glanced out from under the giant hat on her head to see the number that her master was pointing at. Her eyes widened at what she saw.  
  
"Master! You can't be serious! Iscariot Division 13?! As in Father Anderson?!"  
  
"Don't worry about it, police girl. It's not like he'll know it's us!"  
  
Alucard picked up the phone and began dialing the number listed. It rang twice before someone finally picked up.  
  
~~~  
  
Enrico Maxwell glanced down at his desk as the phone continued to ring. Finally he grew frustrated of waiting and picked up the phone.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Please.. I need to speak with a priest..."  
  
"You'll want to go in for confession then, my child. How did you get this num.."  
  
"Please! I need to speak with a priest it is urgent!"  
  
"Hmm..."  
  
Maxwell looked across his table at Father Alexander Anderson, who was waiting for his next orders. Enrico handed the phone to Anderson sharply.  
  
"They say they need to speak with a priest."  
  
"Hello this is Father Alexander Anderson. How may I be of service, my child."  
  
~~~  
  
Alucard almost burst into laughter but instead motioned for Seras to come closer. He whispered something into her ear, to which she stumbled backwards, blushing fiercely and shaking her head. Alucard glared at her, causing her to stop before mouth "Do it, police girl." He brought the receiver back to his mouth before starting.  
  
"Father Anderson? It's my daughter! I don't know what's come over her!"  
  
~~~  
  
Anderson raised in eyebrow curiously as he heard this man's problem.  
  
"What is she doing that is so odd?"  
  
"She's been having sexual activities outside of the holy sanctity of marriage!"  
  
A voice suddenly came from the background.  
  
"I'll have sex with who ever I want!"  
  
"Stop talking crazy like that girl! You need to save yourself for marriage!"  
  
Anderson was truly perplexed by this situation, but he still believed in chastity before marriage.  
  
"Tell her that such actions are a sin in the eyes of god."  
  
"I did, Father, I did! She don't wanna listen! You hear that? You'll burn in hell for these actions! The way you be dressing all slutty, swayin yer hips to every passing boy!"  
  
"Daddy, I'm 14 and I can have sex when I want with whom I want!"  
  
"14?!"  
  
"I told ya, Father! She's been possessed by a demon! Couldn't you please come over and help meh? I'm begging you!"  
  
"Of course. I need an address."  
  
Anderson wrote down the given address on a piece of paper before handing the phone back to Maxwell, who hung it up.  
  
"What was that about Father Anderson?"  
  
"There is great sin afoot. I shall be going to handle this situation personally. You may give me my mission upon my return."  
  
Anderson threw on his coat and left the office quickly, leaving behind a stunned Maxwell.  
  
~~~  
  
Alucard burst into fits of laughter as he hung up the phone.  
  
"Oh that was rich indeed!"  
  
Seras was blushing beet red as she timidly looked down at the ground.  
  
"Master, I can't believe you made me do that! That was so embarrassing!"  
  
"You did well, police girl! You even added in that part about being 14! Your training is going well so far."  
  
Seras blushed further at the compliment and smiled.  
  
"Thank you, master."  
  
Alucard was already back at the address book, deciding upon whom they would call next when a sound echoed throughout the room. Alucard perked his head at what he thought was the sound of nails on a chalkboard. Seras was trying to look around to find exactly where the sound of the cats fighting was coming from.  
  
"ALLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCARRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDD!!!!!"  
  
Several gunshots echoed through the room as Integra stormed down the stairs to the No-Life-King's room. Alucard frowned as Seras began to panic.  
  
"Aww this ruins all my fun.. time to go, police girl!"  
  
Alucard grabbed Seras and was about to teleport away when Integra kicked open the door to the room, her gun aimed for Alucard's head.  
  
~~~  
  
Meanwhile, outside the Hellsing manor...  
  
Walter stood at the gates, holding himself against the cold wind that was going through tonight. He barely even noticed when Pip popped up next to him.  
  
"What're you doing Walter?"  
  
"Waiting..."  
  
"Waitin for what?"  
  
"The Matrix..."  
  
"Oh... can I join ya?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Rock on."  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Author's Notes: Well Pip is now waiting with Walter while Alucard and Seras run from the law! Come and check out what happens next time on the Dukes of Hellsing! Ya'll come back now, ya hear! 


	3. Running from the Law and More Joys of th...

Alucard, Seras, and a Stolen Telephone  
By: GodOfTheWired  
  
Author's Notes: Wooo.. quite an unexpected turnout of reviews from the Hellsing section! We're close to breaking the amount I got for Holy Modem! ^_^ Well time for a new chapter, so here we go. Although this is more of a little side story fun.  
  
Side-Story: Running from the law and the joys of the Matrix  
  
Integra kicked open the door in a rage, pointing her gun at Alucard as he grabbed Seras. She fired off a round aimed for the vampire's head, but growled in anger when she realized he had already teleported away with his little apprentice. She smiled suddenly though.  
  
'Alucard thinks he can hide from me.. but I know where he'd go. There's only so many places after all...'  
  
Integra rushed out of the room, her gun still in her hand with her finger still tightening around that trigger. She dashed up the stairs quickly, thinking as Alucard would in such a situation.  
  
'Alucard would expect me to search outside for him, but I know exactly where he went. The one place he thinks I wouldn't bother to look...'  
  
~~~  
  
"Ummm... Master... are you sure it's safe in here?"  
  
"Of course, police girl. Integra would never think to look here."  
  
"If you're sure Master..."  
  
"Trust me, police girl.. now who should we call next?"  
  
Alucard stopped when he heard the sounds of furious footsteps. He glanced out from the crack he had left open to see Integra kick in the door to her room. She stormed in, walked to her desk and checked under it. She then stood and pointed her gun at the doors of her closet.  
  
"I know you're in there Alucard... you too Seras Victoria."  
  
Seras gulped behind Alucard as they stood in Integra's closet.   
  
"Master.. I thought she wouldn't look in here!"  
  
"I suppose I was wrong, police girl! We better start running! HAHAHA!"  
  
Alucard bolted out of the closet, laughing maniacally as he dragged Seras Victoria behind him. He ran out into the hall as bullets flew at him. He quickly ran into another room in the same hall, followed by Seras and then by a deranged Integra. He exited from the room on the far right end of the hallway and ran into the room across from it, still followed by the same trail. The door closest to the stairs suddenly flung open, as Seras ran out shrieking, followed by an also shrieking Integra, who was being chased by Alucard who was now wielding Integra's gun. However, the trio skidded to a stop as Integra snatched the gun from Alucard's hands and continued her pursuit. Alucard and Seras quickly dashed to the room and the far right end of the hall and entered it, Seras putting her weight into the door to keep Integra out. Alucard merely continued laughing.  
  
"My goodness that was classic, police girl!"  
  
"Wait a minute Master.. didn't we come out of this room earlier? But there's no other doors in here so how did we get in?"  
  
"No time to think about it, police girl. Step away from the door and let Master in. I have a plan.."  
  
Seras gulped nervously before stepping away. The moment her body left the area, the door was kicked open by a furious Integra. She looked as though she could take on Alucard's hellhound form with one arm behind her back as her eyes seemed to reflect the fires of Hell itself. Alucard simply reached out with his gloved hand and grasped the mighty and furious Integra Hellsing by the nose. He held it between two fingers as Integra struggled to get away. She brought up her free hand and batted Alucard's hand downward, only to watch as it spun in a circle and crack her on top of the head. Integra merely groaned as she fell to the ground, clearly dizzy by the dementia induced by Alucard's antics. Alucard laughed and turned to Seras before poking the police girl in the eyes.   
  
"OWW! Master! What was that for?!"  
  
"...Sorry, police girl. Force of habit. Now let's head back downstairs so that we can get to work on who we shall call next."  
  
"Can we really leave Sir Integra sitting there like that?"  
  
"Don't worry about her, police girl. She'll be back to trying to kill me in an hour or so."  
  
~~~  
  
And now, let us cut to Walter and Pip... waiting for their escape from this reality. ^_^  
  
~~~  
  
Walter stood next to Pip as they braced the cold wind. They had been standing outside for almost 2 hours now and they had yet to see any sign of the Matrix. Walter sighed and was turning to leave when suddenly a car began rolling slowly towards them. Pip ran his hands up and down his arms as he caught sight of the vehicle.  
  
"About bloody damn time!"  
  
The black car pulled up and the passenger side window rolled down. Walter and Pip looked at one another, then back to the car as a gloved hand reached out and motioned for them to approach. They walked towards the car slowly as the door opened and the hand shot out, grabbing them and pulling them in quickly. Walter never even got to see the person that had pulled them in as he passed out.  
  
***  
  
Walter got up slowly, shaking his head from side to side. He managed to get the cobwebs out of his head as he glanced around his surroundings. Everything was... white. The entire room was void of anything but the color white. No furniture of any kind either... just... white.  
  
"'bout time ya got up."  
  
"Pip?"  
  
Walter turned around to find the young man looking down at him and eating what appeared to be a chunk of beef jerky.  
  
"Where are we?"  
  
"We're in the Matrix."  
  
"The Matrix? Really?"  
  
"Yeah.. check this out."  
  
Pip helped Walter up and looked up at the ceiling of white.  
  
"Beef jerky!"  
  
Rows of beef jerky suddenly seemed to slide in front of them. Walter merely gaped at this amazing site.  
  
"So.. we can just ask for anything and it will appear?"  
  
"Seems that way.."  
  
"...Steel wires!"  
  
Walter felt as though he were in heaven as he looked up and down the aisles of wires. Pip quickly broke into this small piece of heaven.  
  
"That's boring... Asian porn stars!"  
  
The two waited as nothing seemed to happen.  
  
"Did you not hear me? I said ASIAN PORN STARS!"  
  
They continued to wait as nothing continued to happen. Pip frowned before sitting down.  
  
"So Walter.. how do we get out of here?"  
  
"Am I supposed to know?"  
  
"........ohhhh boy.."  
  
~~~  
  
Alexander Anderson looked up at the place before him. He growled under his breath as he looked up at the location the address he had received led him to. The Pink Pussy-Cat was an infamous sex toy store and something Anderson had been planning on burning to the ground for years now. He turned around and stomped back to the car he had taken with him. He was going to get that phone number traced... he would get to the bottom of this.  
  
~~~  
  
Next time: My goodness! Walter and Pip are stuck in the Matrix as Alucard and Seras continue their reign of terror!... well mostly Alucard's. And now Anderson is dead set on finding who called him... and on making that person dead. Find out what happens next time on The Hellsing Bunch. This is the story.. of an undead named Alucard. And the police girl that he constant-ly torturesssss. 


	4. I'm Not Sick but I'm Not Well

Alucard, Seras, and a Stolen Telephone  
  
Author's Notes: Wooo.. 51 reviews!! You guys are kicking some serious ass! At this rate I'll beat out the 77 I had for The Word. ^_^ Keep reviewing, this is really amazing me.. I had no idea the people in the Hellsing section were so great about reviews. I'd like to personally thank every single one of you that reviewed. ^_^  
  
~~~  
  
Chapter 3: I'm Not Sick.. But I'm Not Well....  
  
"Uhh.. Master.. I understand.. well sort of anyways.. about calling Walter and even Alexander Anderson.. but I don't know if calling the Pope is a good idea..."  
  
"Oh shush, police girl.. I need to question him about his hat."  
  
Seras sweatdropped as her master cackled maniacally. Right now she was practically praying for a miracle, no matter what it might be, to stop her master. She was feeling hungry.. and exceptionally tired.  
  
~~~  
  
Integra was currently laying on the ground, having not moved from where Alucard has left her on the floor. Suddenly her hands shot out, pressing her palms against the ground. She suddenly righted herself and began to think about how to get back at her pet. She wished Walter was present, but she knew he wouldn't be back for a while and by then she would have cooled down. That's when she remembered something Walter had told her when she was handling some reports.  
  
'I built a new weapon for Miss. Victoria.. I believe it is most suiting. It's an Anti-Freak Halconnen cannon. It's powerful enough to take out an actual vampire on it's own.'  
  
Integra suddenly grinned maliciously as she bolted out of the room, heading for Seras' room.  
  
~~~  
  
Alexander Anderson waited as the people at the Vatican traced the phone call back to it's source. He was patient enough until now. Now he was livid, pacing around the room like a jungle cat desperate for prey. The doors to the room were flung open as a man dressed in white ran in, a sheet of paper in his hand. He handed it to Alexander, who snarled when he saw the number on the paper. Bible pages suddenly began spilling out of his coat, flying up around him like a tornado. When the pages stopped and fluttered to the ground, Anderson was gone. His voice seemed to trail behind him though.  
  
"Alucard!"  
  
~~~  
  
Alucard grinned as the phone began to ring and he continued to scribble things down on a sheet of paper. Leave it to Integra to have the personal number of the Queen of England. He motioned for Seras to come over before the line could pick up. The eternally young police girl walked over and took the phone from her master as he pointed down at the sheet of paper in front of him, instructing her to read what he had wrote.  
  
~~~  
  
The Queen of England glanced at her phone with a confused look. She only received calls when it was a dire emergency. With a shaky hand she picked up the receiver and held it to her ear.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Is this Ms. Johanson?"  
  
"Umm.. n-"  
  
"Ms. Johanson, I'm afraid you hold a late fee at our video store, Video Connect. Your balance is exceeding the limit and we're just calling as a reminder that you have to pay it off."  
  
"But I'm-"  
  
"Hold on a second Ms. Johanson, I need to speak with the special orders crew."  
  
At that point, the voice on the other end of the phone seemed distant, as though speaking to someone that was not present in the room.  
  
"Alright well these are the tapes I need: Hot Nymphos 9, Inside Her Majesty, Girls Gone Wild 4, 5, 6, 7.. Cool Devices, Whip-Wielding Lesbos, Lost In Suzy, Backdoor Sluts 6, and Mark and Greg: The KY Connection... oh would you like something else preordered Ms. Johanson?"  
  
"Why I never!"  
  
~~~  
  
Seras sighed as the Queen of England hung up on her. She glanced up at the now fallen over Alucard, who was rolling in laughter despite the fact that he had been holding his Jackal at Seras' head during the whole conversation to make sure she finished it.  
  
"Master.. that was so embarrassing!!"  
  
"You handled it quite well though, police girl! I can just imagine that old woman's face!"  
  
"But master.. what if Integra finds out?"  
  
"Oh please.. she's out cold. And how could she ever find out that we prank called the Queen? Ha ha ha ha!"  
  
Alucard continued to laugh just as the door to the room was kicked open.   
  
"ALUCARD!!!!!!! How dare you call the Queen!?!?"  
  
Integra hefted the Halconnen cannon up slowly and pointed it at the vampire. Her finger squeezed the trigger and the recoil of the gun sent her flying back.  
  
~~~  
  
Meanwhile, in the Matrix..  
  
A Musical Interlude!  
""=Pip  
**=Both  
  
Pip sat amidst the white of the Matrix, smiling with glee as he glanced at the nude pictures of Seras. He then reached over and took a lick from the ice cream cone he had. Walter, who was sitting to the left of him, sighed and ate his ice cream as well. Pip smiled and looked back down at his pictures, before beginning to sing.  
  
"They tell me ice cream junkies are the same.  
All the soda jerkers know my name..  
Yeah, the chocolate's getting old..  
Vanilla just leaves me cold.."  
  
At this point Walter began to back him up, as both held up their ice creams.  
  
"There's just one flavor good enough for me"   
*YEAH ME*  
"Don't give me no crummy taste spoon,  
I know what-I-need! Sing it!"  
  
*I love Rocky Road! So why don't you go buy half a gallon, baby!  
I love Rocky Road! So why don't you have another dip or scoop with me!!*  
  
The two settled down and fell silent.  
  
"Sooo... how long do you think we'll be in here for before someone realizes we're gone?"  
  
"You, Pip? I don't think they'd notice.. but Sir Integra would notice I'm gone."  
  
"Ouch.."  
  
~~~  
  
Author's Notes: Well another chapter done. I don't know why I threw in Weird Al's Rocky Road song.. but I was eating rocky road ice cream and the idea just came to me. ^_^ 


End file.
